Once Upon aTime I

used to wait for the sound of tires on the driveway outside my parents’ house. I was waiting for a savior.

Everyone told me that was stupid or foolish at best but I knew it wasn’t.

Four years ago someone else met her savior. That savior was me.

I thought we were going to save each other. She told me I would never be alone or scared or have to stand by myself against adversity again.

She lied. She lied all the time.

She wanted me to save her and never had any intention of reciprocating.

I found some journal entries from two years ago. It took her a year to convince me to trust her and we lived together for almost a year and she yanked me around for two after that.

Two years ago I had asked her to move out. She stopped paying rent and spent her money on other things. She stayed home when she was depressed and wouldn’t clean up after herself or cook. As soon as she felt better she’d leave me with a dirty house and no money crying all the time so she could go out with other women and flirt and who knows what else.

I wrote this:

11/11/15

Pattern:

Happy so long as I ask for nothing, you give little, and so long as I give you what you want 

I say I can't give any more or it will hurt

You say you understand

You ask for more

 I hesitate

You remove affection

I give

I cry

It hurts

You scowl and make it clear I'll get no comfort from you

We fight

You're sorry. You give something but not comfort or love

We make up

It's fine until I can't keep giving so much more than I receive

Or I need or want something

And then it starts again.

Today I read it and remembered that she never loved me. She was the only person who ever stood up for me but she was just tricking me.

The world used to be a place where I was desperate and alone and afraid but I had hope.

Now I know I can’t trust myself. That’s essential for hope.